I’m so fucking lost any more. Shit has been blown way out of proportion, people not understanding that they a stronger than they think, stress levels elevated, anxiety levels elevated, and I just constantly feel like I’m falling apart. The blade will be my friend tonight. Lefts just hope I can get myself to stop.
I feel like such a horrible person. I know what I did needed to be done but he trusted me. He trusted me with a lot. And in turn I trusted him with a lot. Then I went and opened my mouth. As I said what I did needed to be done. But fuck. I betrayed his trust. I fucking hate myself.
Cutting tonight may be an understatement for what I want to do….
So in about a half an hour I have a consultation with a therapist. Extremely nervous. Anxiety builds the closer it gets and the closer I get to the office. Wish me luck?
There’s a lot that could/ will come with this.
I know it has been a while since I have made a personal post on to here and I am sorry for that. I know there are a lot of you who follow this who really and truly care about what happens to me and you want to know. So I apologize for not having made a personal post on here since my last update which was over a month ago. So here goes what has happened in the past month. I’m lucky to have my journal entries that I make when I go through rough patch because they are what is going to allow me to update you all. Hopefully I will cover everything that has happened.
This was an extremely rough night for me. A lot of things had festered up and finally broke lose. And seriously I have the most amazing boyfriend because I would not have gotten through this night if it had not been for him. We had just been talking about deeper and deeper topics while on FaceTime and my anxiety just took over and I started mentally falling into a black hole that just kept going and going. I was literally sitting on the phone with him and digging my nails into my hand to try and control myself and nothing was working. I eventually had to walk out of my room and go to the bathroom to try and calm myself down and out of the urge to cut. Mainly because I didn’t want to cut and for him to blame himself for it because it seriously had nothing to do with him. When I returned to my bedroom I kept myself off camera and as he continued to talk to me I broke down crying and the need to cut kept growing. He kept apologizing and I just kept trying to explain to him that it was not his fault. I was fighting myself. Overall he kept talking to me because he essentially kept me from attempting suicide. He told me countless times to go wake up my dad or to call 911 to get help and I refused. I eventually got calm enough for me to go to bed and for him to trust that I was going to bed and I wasn’t going to do anything including cut. It was a very hard night. But he saved me.
Later on this same day after having gone through essentially the entire day I did cut myself because the urge to cut was still quite strong and I wanted it to subside. It was also to help clear my mind even if it was just for a short amount of time. I didn’t cut to bad because I had plans so I couldn’t wrap my wrist up. So it was nothing too bad.
I wrote in my next journal entry that I had cut at some point before the next entry but I did not make a journal entry about it.
I cut this night because of two reasons. One was my anxiety. And I rather not get not get in to the story behind this anxiety. The other reason was because I failed a class. The reason failing this class was so bad was because it prevents me from leaving the community college I am at. So I am stuck at this school for at least another semester which really sucks. So just a couple things messed me up and I lost it.
So I cut this night because I had received the news that my mom was on life support after attempting suicide for the third time. I was upset, hurt, angry, and just a whirl wind of emotions. I didn’t know how else to handle it. I wanted to cry but I just couldn’t get myself to do it. I think a lot of that had to do with the fact I was so angry with her. Like I understand that she doesn’t know about my relationship with suicide but still. We have been pushing her for so long to get help and she refuses to listen. The upside of all this is it forces her in to getting at least a little bit of help. I still have yet to talk to her. I’m just not ready to talk to her and I don’t know how long it will take for me to be ready.
So that was the last time that I have cut and honestly tonight may be added to the book. I haven’t been right for a few days and I am just losing it now and I don’t think that I can handle not cutting tonight. I will definitely make a legit post on here if I do end up cutting tonight and I will go back to posting on here again on a regular basis.
On the upside of things I have contacted a therapist. Since everything that happened to my mom my dad offered to let me talk to someone so I took advantage of it because I needed it for not only that but for other things too. Obviously. So I will also keep you guys posted on that as well.
Thank you to those of you who have stuck with me through everything. You guys are truly amazing.